So I’ve been gone from this blog for what seems like a while, and it’s hard pinpoint exactly why. I mean, for one I moved back to school and have just been so busy writing essays and doing readings that I haven’t had much time. But that also feels like a super lame excuse because of course there’s time for things if you make it, and I know I’ve wanted to write something on here and been in a writing mood many times, but I just can’t seem to produce anything.
Writing has always been something I really really wished I was good at, but just don’t feel like I am. It’s always been a task that I’ve battled with, letting it cause me so much anxiety and insecurity and self-shaming. I want to be able to write about the things I care about and am passionate about, about the things I love, about my experiences or my desires, but every time I try I convince myself I can’t.
Especially since starting university, just having to write an essay that I have been overly guided on the way it should be written is so overwhelming to me. I get lost in my mind and can’t figure out how to streamline my thoughts into something clear, strong and thought-provoking. I started this blog to try and get myself to write whatever I wanted to, to practice my skills a bit and try and get better at focusing my thoughts into a piece of writing.
I feel like I did okay for a while, but realizing how public it was and how people were probably (probably not) reading it thinking “wow lindsay is a shit writer” made me shy away. But I think the only way for me to keep working at this and seeing what kind of writer I can be come is to keep up with my blog and keep writing what I feel like writing, and maybe one day it will be something I’m proud of. Also sidenote: My blog is the only way that I can motivate myself to complete the things I start to write, which is why I have it. I realize I’m sort of putting extra pressure on myself by posting stuff online, but hey, go big or go home?
There isn’t really a point to this post but to express how I feel about posting on here, and to come to terms with how much of an enemy my mind can be to me. I already knew this dealing with anxiety and depression, but it’s crazy to see it limit me from doing what seem like simple things.
I want to fight back a little and keep doing the things I tell myself I can’t. I can’t put all of this trust in the future, expecting it to get rid of my anxiety and enable me to do all the things that scare me now. I’m just gonna do the thing and write the stuff, and if it’s shit, then don’t read it, and if it’s not, then hey, let me know.