Today is #BellLetsTalk day, and for the first time in a few years, I feel really weird participating. I don’t dislike the cause and never could, because I care immensely about mental health awareness and stopping the stigma around it. Some of the tweets and messages I see and have posted myself have felt very important and awareness raising, but I can’t seem to post the 20-25 tweets I usually do.
I haven’t really been in a good place since December, mentally, and I haven’t really been wanting or looking for help and support. I feel weird tweeting that it’s important to talk about these things and normalize mental health like physical health, because I don’t feel like I do that.
I have no problem complaining about a headache but I am not about to complain to someone that I’ve felt depressed and anxious all day. I have never been someone to lean on others with my mental illness, its always been my own battle, and I don’t want to pretend that I don’t feel that way.
I think it’s important that those without mental illness know how to help and understand those who do suffer, but I don’t think it’s their responsiblity. I don’t think mental illness will ever be entirely understood unless the other person suffers from the same things, and I don’t really want to fill twitter with attempts at explaining what “depression feels like.”
I want people to always know mental illness exists, to be sensitive to those who may be having a hard time, and to be patient with those who suffer. I want to be able to say that I’m going to my therapist without people thinking I’m going crazy, and to be able to sit in my room on a down day and not have people mad that I wasn’t social. But, I don’t want to talk to all of these people who are tweeting that they are here for me/us, and I don’t want to pretend I’m there for people when I’m not sure I could handle that.